Paralysis

Paralysis
wrapped all around me
can't move forward
wont move back
i stay still
and let fear take me nowhere
-me

I am absolutely sick and tired of myself. What am I waiting for? What is this deep rooted insecurity? This never ending procrastination? Why is it that I am so hesitant to do all of the things that I want to do?

Is it really something as simple as a habit? Have I grown so comfortable with living in this dark and lonely place for such a long time that now i'm afraid to be happy, to actually feel things, to truly live life to its fullest?

I let myself miss out on so much, and I can't understand why. I hold myself back when all I really want to do is move forward.

I look back to when I was much younger, when I was innocent. Before I came to the realization of how abnormal my life was, before I had to come to terms with myself, and I see a completely different person. A better person. Remnants of a person with a very strong will power, someone ready to feel any and everything that life had to give, someone who craved knowledge and wanted to learn about everything, a kid who wanted to save everyone who needed help. Where did that person disappear to? What happend to me? Was it life? Was it my own choices? Why is it that the person who i'm striving to be is a person who I once was? Did I feel happy back then? Was it ignorance? Was it because I hadn't experienced all of the different kinds of drugs yet?

Yes, i've had a shitty beginning. But I never use that as a reason. I know it's just an opportunity to end up as a better person. That's not what is keeping me where I am.

It's fear. I think i've become afraid of pain. I don't want to try because I don't want to fail. I don't want to let people in because I dont' want to end up hurt. I'm tired of feeling sad. I'm tired of feeling pain. I'm tired of feeling empty. As if i'm nothing more than a pathetic shell of my former self.

I have nothing.
Nothing at all to be happy for.
No relationship. Not family.
Nothing. No one.
I love solitude. It has taught me a lot. But I don't care all that much about myself. Which is why everything I do lacks real emotion behind it.

Everything is so empty.

I guess all I can do is fake it 'till I make it.