Death

If I were to die right now, what would happen when I'm gone? Who would care? What difference would it make? For me, it would be freedom. But for those I leave here.. what would it be like for them?




My Mother.

I already know. It's ironic that my mother wants the same thing that I do: to be close with each other.. because we both just can't do it. It's been too long. There's too much history. It's to awkward now. We can barely hug each other without there being some odd feeling involved. The few times when we say "I love you" it is so hesitant. If I were to die and she found all the things i've written, I think I'd know exactly how she would feel. Because there have been a few times where she's stumbled across my words, where she has heard a portion of the conversations i've had with other people. She knows there's an entire world I hide from her. Not that it's anything that she doesn't know, it's just things we can't talk about to each other. I know she would realize that she never knew me, that she has no idea who I am. She would hate herself because of it. She would look at herself and see it. She would have to, because she was there the entire time. I was never trying to change her, I was just trying to understand. I just wanted her to know I didn't want the same things, because from what she has shown me throughout my life, it is too much. I am her son. She knows i'm emotional and sensitive. I'm not as strong as her. I can't live life in that way and be happy. It's impossible for me, because it's not real.



Kelly.

I have always been verbal with Kelly. She knows things. Horrible things, I have told her much of what goes on in my mind since I was very young. But she likes to ignore. She likes to ignore it all, pretend like it's okay and just move forward. She would hate herself, because she would think that she could have done something about it. To change me. To do something about what's happened. I recently told her about me getting raped by a family friend. I'm not sure if she told my mother, but I hope so. Because I would never be able to tell her myself. She was destroyed by it, but it made her realize some things about myself. She wanted to know who it was but I wouldn't tell her. All she would do is try to do something about it and I definately did not want that. It has been so long. I have tried to wrap my mind around it. I don't want to have to deal with it or bring it up now in my life when it means nothing to me anymore. And I didn't want him to all of the sudden end up being punished in his life, so randomly. I'm sure he thinks about it from time to time. He has to, he did it. I'm sure it haunts him, and I think that's enough. I think if I were to die, Kelly would be able to be there for my mother. She would be able to tell my mother all the things I could never tell her myself.



My sisters.

Tara.

I hope everything i've ever told her would finally click if I were to die. I've told her everything, and only to her out of everyone in my family. And she has listened to nothing. I dont blame her, age has alot to do with it, so does being a girl. So does the fact that I was trying to be more protective than understanding. I just wanted her to realize things so she didn't have to go through things herself. I just wanted her to know about life so that she could make the right kind of decisions. But all my trying, all my words have be useless to her so far. She's killing herself slowly, and she doesn't even know it. She will eventually, because everyone realizes it at some point in their life. But for now... She gets all those feelings that she has ever wanted, all that love, from all the wrong kind of people. People that use and abuse her. I hear the conversations with her and her friends and it makes my stomach cringe. It makes me want to fucking kill them. She has no self respect. Does she like being treated like dirt? Or is it exhilarating for her because it's the only type of love she thinks is real? At this point, it really is the only good thing she is getting, maybe she's just trying to find it from anywhere. I can't say my family is giving her anything better. I'm certainly not trying to help her anymore. I can't even help myself. I just can't understand why she's okay with it. She saw abuse, so now why would she live with it? I didn't end up like that. Why would she? I guess I would never know, because I'd be dead. And she'd never know, because I stopped trying to talk to her.



Adriann.

I think this hurts me the most. The fact that I'm not sure at all what to write about her. I've always kept her out, and she has tried to get close to me. I never let it happen. The reasons are because she reminds me of my mother. She always has, her actions, when we were younger and growing up, the way she treated her friends and the people around her as if they were nothing, controlling them, stealing, lying to them, it was just horrible and disgusting from my point of view at the time. I thought I knew her from all the things she was doing, and that was my biggest mistake. Because the truth is I don't know a single thing about her. Not one. Because I never gave her the chance. There's so much more to her, i've seen it recently with being around her, and watching her raise her kids, all the things i've missed out on, all the similarities between us. We did come from the same place after all. I've always considered her an outsider. If I were to die, I know she would be devestated, because she has only tried and tried to have a relationship with me. And I always said no. And now that i'd be dead, there would be no more trying. No more chances at having a brother.



My Friends.

What fucking friends? I can only regret so much of the relationships that I cut out of my life when I was younger. They did nothing healthy for me, they could never understand. They saw my family and made me realize how abnormal it was by showing me theirs. What the hell is normal? Why is it when I sit here and think of "friends" there is only two people that come to mind, throughout my entire life:



Cathryn.

I hate it. I fucking hate it. The most recent, and the last time I gave someone a chance at this thing called friendship. She was my bestfriend. Because there has been no one who has gotten as close to me as she has. I let her know me for years, and she has seen me throughout my most vulnurable of times. And she is gone now. I don't know what happened. I think I was too much for her, I wouldn't shut up about everything- that's my fucking problem with having a bestfriend. When someone wants to be close to me, I have to tell them everything. That's not something I can help, I tell them every single thing. And they see the hypocracy, the confusion, they see an imperfect human being. and they lose interest. Because i'm so much more interested in telling them things that are real to me, rather than making them laugh so that they'll like me and stick around. She is like me. Life may have been different for us, but we took it in the same way. She's sad. We understand why we're both sad. But where did she go? Where is she now? I have no idea, because its been a long time since we've talked. and longer than that since we've really talked. I think if I were to die, she may not be able to handle it. Not one more thing on top of everything she already has to handle. Life is hard for her like it's hard for me. Probably even more now since we've let each other go. She'd regret all this time we've stopped talking to each other, probably even more than I regret it now.



I don't know why i'm so fascinated by death. It's not the same for me as it is for other people. I know that, because people are so scared of it, and I crave it. People really never believe that when they hear it. They can't comprehend that another human being has this grasp on death, or the fact that they view it as something good instead of something horrible. But then again they haven't thought about it all their lives like I have. It's something so much more than what people make of it. It is freedom. To me, It isn't the end. It's the beginning. It causes change. It makes people left behind realize things they never could without it. It is the road to awe. It is the exchange of energy. Death is what makes life important.



Death.. to me..



It is so beautiful.