Nice guys finish last

Out of the many things that I hate about myself having a genuinely nice nature is something that i'd like to live without.

I don't know what is inside of me that forces me to be kind or how it even got there in the first place when I came from such the opposite environment.

When I was around 15 years old I discovered Ghandi. Well, I knew about him before this but after watching some documentary around that age something clicked inside of me, so I started reading everything I could find about him. I remember thinking "This is it. This man is right. This is the way to do things." Because at the time it made so much sense to me. From my point of view, it was just a much better way of handling things rather than beating the shit out of each other and whoever was more physically adept wins the arguement. That's probably why I leaned more towards his teachings instead of following my familys footsteps. But even before that i've always had this kindness to me. I was always told it was because I was sensitive. I was always told it was weak. Either way, I've never had a choice. It was always a part of me, and i've always hated it. Because nice guys finish last.

I think one of the most frustrating things is that i'm constantly taken advantage of. Not at first, people are generally awkward because of it, but once they get to know me and see that it's just who I am, they take and take and take until I have nothing left but my dignity. and then they take that as well.

The idea of it being weak. I hate that. Nice = Weak? Mean = Strong? Who made up these rules? And were they drunk at the time? They must've been very angry people and were probably men. My idea of weakness is completely different. I consider myself weak in some areas of my life, but the fact that i've survived throughout everything that i've been through and after the many years I spent destroying both my body and mind.. I think that in itself is pretty strong. The fact that I never gave up and came out somewhat okay is strong. Okay, okay. Technically I give up all the time and i've even failed to kill myself, but still!!

At this particular point in my life I really believe it does not matter weather you're kind or if you're horrible. I don't think there are any consequences, I think they are simply choices. Two different paths, you can take either one, but in the end it does not matter. That's why I wish it wasn't a part of me. I look at some of the people in my family and I see how far they've gotten because they're not afraid to fuck someone over. What it all boils down to is it's a much easier path. And that's a part of me also, i've always wished things were easier. I want to take the easier path. I just can't because there's something inside of me that wont allow it.

I'm really sick of people trying to make it something that it's not. Why am I nice? Because I want to be. I think it's pointless not to be. Why do I want to help everyone in any way I can? Because it makes me feel amazing and I wish I could've gotten it when I wanted it the most. Why be so kind to complete strangers? Because I want complete strangers to be kind to me.

I just don't see the point. Why be mean? Why would anyone want to hurt someone physically or emotionally? My older sister used to beat the shit out of anyone who looked at her wrong. I always felt so sorry for those people throughout highschool. I couldn't understand it. I dont understand it now. Why do people want to fight? Why do they want to hurt each other? Just like kindness is a part of me, there's something inside of them as well. Something that makes them want to hurt others. and i'm sure it makes sense to them. i'm sure there are reasons. I just can't agree with them. I wonder if they know about Ghandi.